Angst

I can’t point to what it is exactly that set me off recently. Maybe it was the presidential election. For whatever reason, I have been in a state of re-evalution, something that happens to me every so often. In these states I am both more emotional and logical than usual, which typically leads to extremism, distraction, and flightiness. I try to uncover what it is that would satisfy me, and interrogate myself as to what it is I’m doing with my life.

I learn new things during the process. For example, a couple of days ago I came to realize that society does not exist. I had heard the institution called into question before, but I have more often been the type to distinguish between the people (society) and the State (government) as the two major forces in our environment. It’s not to say that people do not exist, or even that organization within the population is non-existent. But to say that “society” believes this, or “society” believes that, and to pretend there is some consensus that informs normality, is misguided. It became clear to me that what we call societal opinion or societal action only represents the thoughts and opinions of an elite, whether they be leaders politically, religiously, economically, or occupiers of the “opinion leader” role in a journalistic field. Whatever the case, we elevate their opinions to represent those of “society.” In reality, our individual experiences leave us all with certain “socially unacceptable” beliefs. It is impossible not to be a deviant in one way or another.

I also do not believe I can ever be satisfied by the “rat race,” the drive to continually increase my standard of living. My desire to satisfy consumer needs or to gain political and economic power continues to dwindle. We often think of ourselves as more human when we are more sophisticated and “civilized,” but lately I have been more in tune with my primal desires to eat, sleep, and reproduce. Maybe it’s that time of the month.

Lately I’m reconsidering my status as a student, a position I have held for twenty some-odd years. Luckily I only attended a compulsory public school for two years, so I’m not as bad off as those who spent over a decade in our American concentration camps, but I definitely feel the constraints of conventional education. If I don’t plan to gain a job from this degree I don’t see why, especially as an anarchist, I should continue to participate in this process. I want to create a product. I want to develop a creative work that incorporates my thoughts, feelings, and insights. I thought that going back to school would provide that opportunity, but instead I sense that creeping, dull headache that is typically an early symptom of burn-out. (I’ve been hyphen-happy ever since I started editing South African health and safety regulations at work.)

So, I basically have the same problems I’ve always had. Ideally I could make a living from my writing. I’d need to start writing first to make that happen, but I have been somewhat more inspired lately. I think a break would be good, but I don’t know what I need a break from, and I’m not too sure what would relax me. I like to think I’ll “figure things out” at some point, but I have my doubts. Maybe the most I can hope for is a contented stasis. That would be enough for now.